


The Blue Bandit

by dogtier



Series: A World Where Everyone Is Happy [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Artificial Intelligence, F/M, Multi, Other, Polyamory, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-09
Updated: 2012-02-09
Packaged: 2017-10-30 20:28:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/335744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dogtier/pseuds/dogtier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Or: Jake English and the eternal struggle to get someone to pay attention to his shiny new junk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Blue Bandit

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for the Homesmut kink meme for [this prompt](http://homesmut.livejournal.com/15023.html?thread=28985519#t28985519).
> 
> Sort of a spiritual sequel to [Date Night](http://archiveofourown.org/works/325927). I have a lot of feelings and ideas about how a poly relationship for the Alpha kids would work out, I've posted some of them [on my tumblr](http://shitletsbedogtier.tumblr.com/post/16826952320/a-universe-where-everyone-is-happy).

"Strider! Pull your eyes away from your deviant material and regard my genitals," Jake said. Dirk failed to avert his gaze from his copy of _Musclebeast Monthly._

"Seen your junk before," Dirk told him. "Not that fascinating at this point."

"They're _new _," Jake told him. Dirk sighed and looked over. Jake was in his undergarments, his (blue) binder and his (blue) briefs with his (blue) packer hanging out through the slit.__

"It's blue," Dirk noted, deadpan. 

"Isn't it smashing?" Jake said. 

"I didn't know there were enough Smurf fetishist to call for mass production," Dirk said.

"It's custom," Jake said, beaming. He swung his hips and the silicon bounced.

"Ah," Dirk said, turning back to his magazine. "I'm glad you are using the truly outrageous allowance Jane gives you wisely." 

Jake hmphed. 

Dirk turned the page of his magazine. He was ever grateful for the newly established cultural exchange between Earth and Alternia. Their fine art was exquisite. He was interrupted by Jake crawling into his lap, plucking up the magazine and tossing it aside. Dirk tried to shove him off, only to have Jake latch on. 

"I want to know if it passes the squeeze test," Jake said. "Please, indulge a gentleman's whim."

"I will if you agree to stop manhandling my artistic periodicals," Dirk said. 

"Ha, artistic," Jake laughed. He shifted in Dirk's lap and the packer shifted awkwardly.

"Not used to it yet?" Dirk asked.

"Bigger than the last one," Jake answered.

"Little egotistical, are we?" Dirk said. He gave in and reached down to give the packer a light squeeze. Huh, not silicon. At least not fully, the surface was actually quite soft and realistic. One of those new synthetic skin materials. 

"I'm a growing boy," Jake said. "You like?"

"Nice, but isn't this stuff a bitch to keep clean?" Dirk asked. 

"I can be tidy!" 

"Like hell you can, Mr. Dirt Makes Your Immune System Stronger."

"It does! That's scientifically proven." 

Dirk laughed and pulled Jake in for a quick hug. Quick, because Jake would turn into a skin hungry limpet if you gave him an inch. Jake still managed to sneak a kiss in on the cheek. 

"Whatever you say," Dirk said. "Now get up and go bother the girls. I have some etchings to admire." 

Jake clambered off and went to leave. 

"And tuck that in, you look ridiculous running around with your cock out," Dirk called after him. 

"You're just jealous that it's bigger than yours," Jake said, sticking out his tongue as he strolled backwards through the doorway. 

"Ridiculous," Dirk muttered, leaning down to retrieve his magazine from the floor. Now where was he?

 

\---

 

Jane was deep in a detective novel in her room, so engrossed that she didn't notice Jake until her bed shifted from his weight. 

"Oh, hi," she said, setting the book aside. "I see we have a new friend."

"Yes we do," Jake said. He waggled his dick at her. She had to stifle a laugh. It was so _blue_. 

"Have you named it yet? I understand that's an absurd tradition men indulge in," Jane said. 

"I was thinking-" Jake began.

"Please don't say Neytiri," Jane said.

"Don't be ridiculous, Neytiri was a _girl_ ," Jake said, clearly annoyed. "Honestly, it's like you didn't even watch the movie." 

"Excuse me for fixating on the character you made me dress up as for Halloween," Jane said. "It left an impression."

"I said I was sorry," Jake said. "I honestly didn't know you would be allergic to that body paint." 

"You're such a doof," Jane said. 

"If you're like that, I will have to go find another sympathetic ear," Jake said. "Maybe a bombshell blonde with a knockout smile." 

"Roxy went to the store," Jane said.

"Drat," Jake said. Jane laughed at him.

"No, it's really nice," she said. "I'm just not in the mood right now. In fact, I'm really only in the mood for novels and chocolate."

"Oh," Jake said. "Sorry, I always lose track."

"Don't worry," Jane said. She patted his hair. "At least you don't have a computer program calculating it like Dirk."

"He's still doing that?" Jake asked. 

"I was woken up with a heating pad and truffles, all signs say affirmative." 

"Did Cal bring them?"

"Yes, yes he did."

"I'm terribly sorry." 

"I have accepted that it is my lot in life to have puppets express concern about my menstrual cycle," Jane said. Jake took her hand and squeezed. 

"My heart goes out to you," Jake said.

"Thanks. Now, I think I do know some people who would be more in the mood," Jane said. 

 

\---

 

"Auto! Brobot!" Jake called as he entered their room. "Please, you're my only hope."

"You've run out of other people to bother, haven't you?" Auto said, voice coming from the computer. He wasn't in his body today, it was down for repairs. The internal processor just wasn't equipped to handle Auto's stunning intellect. (Okay, he made of blown it out in a rap battle with Sawtooth.) 

"Hogwash, you're my dear friends, not second string at all," Jake said. "Also it's not like you're doing anything important."

"I'll have you know that I'm leading three Alliance and two Hoard guilds to victory as we speak," Auto said. "And would you put that away? There are children present. Brobot, avert your cameras."

Brobot did no such thing. He was always putout by being called a child. He had once been a perfect replica of Strider, but over the years the human had grown while Brobot remained the size of a thirteen year old. Dirk had offered to make him a form that looked older, but he was understandably freaked about the idea of putting his brain in a new body. 

Brobot tilted his head to the side, sizing Jake's new equipment up before giving him a thumbs up. 

"Smashing!" Jake exclaimed. "I knew you would be supportive." 

"We should test it," Auto said. "With a rousing round of Turkish oil wrestling."

"How is that testing it?" Jake asked. 

"It seems you are questioning my superior electronic logic circuits again," Auto said.

"Indeed I am. Come on Brobot, let's go make out where the pervert can't see," Jake said. 

"If I rescind my egotistical posturing will you do it in front of me?" Auto asked. Jake looked at Brobot and waited for another thumbs up.

"I think that could be arranged," Jake agreed. 

Brobot kept a bed in the corner of his and Auto's room. He liked to lay in it at night when he hooked himself into the charging system and chatted with Auto in their digital forms. Sometimes he ran a randomizer program, it was almost like dreaming, or how he imagined dreaming to be. He sat on the edge of the bed and let Jake sit beside him. They started kissing gently, Jake placing quick pecks on Brobot's mouth until Auto made a synthesized throat clearing noise in annoyance. 

"You're so impatient," Jake complained, but he intensified the kiss regardless. Jake was sloppy kisser, applying lots of tongue to make up for Brobot's lack of one. Brobot always had to wipe himself down afterwards. Brobot pulled Jake into his lap, rubbing Jake's lower back where his skin was bare in long strokes that made Jake squirm and arch his spine. Brobot trailed his hand lower, rubbing Jake's tailbone through his briefs and Jake inhaled sharply. 

"Sorry to interrupt," Auto said, sounding very regretful, "but it seems my monitoring system is reporting that Ms. Lalonde has returned."

"Has she now?" Jake asked, panting a little. 

"She has, and I can say with a 95% certainty that you are eager to go show off," Auto said. 

"Yeah," Jake said. "Sorry fellas, but you know how it is with me and her."

"Of course," Auto said. "Your unique connection is not lost on us." 

Brobot nodded as well, releasing Jake from his arms and helping him to his feet. 

"Thanks," Jake said, running a hand through his messy hair.

"I believe the appropriate expression right here is 'go get 'em tiger'," Auto said. 

 

\---

 

"The Blue Bandit," Roxy suggested, playing with Mr. Bandit while she and Jake laid side by side on his bed, exchanging lazy kisses. 

"How roguish," Jake said. "You're sure it needs a name?"

"I named my tits," Roxy said. 

"And lovely tits they are," Jake said, leaning down to kiss them. Roxy appreciated it.

"Gin and Tonic thank you," Roxy said.

"Oh lord, seriously?' Jake asked.

"Deadly," Roxy said. She rolled Jake back on the bed and sat over his knees, reaching down and playing with his dick. She wrapped her hand around the base and pushed down so he could feel it right where he was most sensitive. 

"Oh gosh," Jake said, arching up. "If you continue that you are free to go wild with the naming process." 

"Anything I need to know about this stuff?" Roxy asked. "It's nice, don't want to ruin it." 

"They recommend using a condom, it's harder to clean than the old one," Jake said. 

"Got it," Roxy said. She leaned over and opened her nightstand drawer to grab one. Jake scooted up the bed so he was sitting against the headboard and watching as she rolled the condom on and lowered her mouth to suck the head. She went down further, glancing up through her false eyelashes to make sure Jake was watching. He was, mouth hanging open and eyes wide. His tongue flicked out, wetting his lips occasionally and he kept clearing his throat, a clear indication that he was totally into it. 

Roxy ground down against the bed and winced. She pulled off Jake.

"One sec," she told his disappointed look. "Got to whip it out."

"Of course," Jake said, settling back and trying to steady his breathing. "No rush." 

Roxy still hurried to get her erection free, sighing in relief when it finally was. Damn, she needed to start remembering to get it out before things got hot and heavy. 

"I'm good," she told Jake. "Back to business." 

Roxy took hold of the base of the cock and rubbed it down against Jake again, only to have it slip and jam against him uncomfortably.

"Fuck!" he swore. 

"Shit, sorry," she said. 

"No, just new, haven't got all the kinks quite worked out yet," Jake said. 

"Is it okay if I go underneath?" she asked. Jake paused, considering it and chewing his lip while Roxy rubbed a comforting circle on his thigh. She tried to keep her own hips still best she could but god, the springy mattress felt so good when she humped against it. 

"Yeah, okay," he finally said. 

It took a bit of maneuvering and a bit of underwear ripping but they finally worked out a way for Roxy to fit a hand under the packer's base and rub Jake's clit directly while she sucked him off. She could see why it was slipping around, he was dripping wet. She heard his head thump back against the headboard when she circled his clit with her thumb. He wasn't watching anymore, but she continued the blowjob because honestly she was getting off on it as much as he was. 

He was loud when he came, always was since he wasn't brought up having to be quiet because his parent was in the next room. Roxy pulled her hand free and drew her knees up, kneeling as she finished herself off. Jake watched, tired and dazed, and grabbed her some tissues from the nightstand when she was done. 

When they were cleaning up Jake had to switch to a new pair of briefs, a slightly different shade of blue with a spotted pattern, discarding the ripped pair in his pile o' laundry corner. 

"Are those skulls?" Roxy asked, squinting at the fabric. 

"Maybe," Jake said. Roxy laughed. She pulled him down onto the bed and into her arms for a quick nap. Sex always made her sleepy. Jake's hair was soft under her chin as she spooned up behind him. Late growth spurt or not, it looked like she was destined to remain taller than him. She hoped he wouldn't develop a Tom Cruise complex from it. He wriggled in her arms and took a breath.

"Shh," Roxy said. "No talky, sleepy time now." 

"You're so silly," Jake said.

"Love you," Roxy said softly. 

"I know," Jake said. Roxy jabbed him right in the kidney when he laughed. 

"You're hopeless," Roxy said. 

"Love you too," Jake said. 

Roxy grinned and settled in again, listening to Jake's breath slowly smoothing out and lulling her to sleep.


End file.
